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| not really much to update on, but quite a few of you have been blogging here recently, so I shall do the same.
I got a job at CSULB's University Bookstore. it's so BORING. holy crap, walking the aisles, asking people if they need any help finding books, over and over again, it suuucks. but, I am getting paid pretty good, considering I work less than 20 hrs a week. people there are ok, met new friends. Nivia is cool beans. we complain to each other how boring the job is. Jarvis is a cutie, not like that, but cute personality; he's not that bad looking either, hehe. Jesus is my Tagalog speaking Spanish dude! this guy speaks Tagalog better than I do, it's sad, haha. but anyways, don't know how long I'm gonna last there. I've only been working there for two weeks and I'm already thinking of quitting just because it's so BORING. if it's boring now during Rush Week, imagine during the rest of the semester. shiiit. but, we'll see what happens.
I've been on this Red Hot Chili Peppers craze for almost all of break. I mean I knew about them before and I've listened to their music, but it wasn't until recently that I started to read up on them and really fall in love with them and their music. Red Hot Chili Peppers have been through a lot of shit, but here they are 24 years later, still rockin out and producing fantastic material. they represent everything good in American rock music, ferreal. the more I learn about them and their music, the more I love them. that's why I'm so excited that I'm going to Coachella in April. I get to see them perform, yay! oh my gosh, I'd love to meet them and befriend them, to tell them how much I appreciate all that they've done for our musical culture. I love the energy that they carry in their music and their performances, and they're just all around great guys. plus they're all so cute! ah! I just wanna hug them!
I've decide that it's best for me to stay away from boys. at this point in my life, I'm just not ready to get involved with another boy; I'm still recovering from the travesties of the previous one. am I still bitter about it? a little, but the past is the past. I'm a much stronger person for having gone through it and I've learned from my mistakes. I've realized that what I need is not a boyfriend; rather, it's a boy friend. not to say that the ones I have now aren't great, because they are. if it weren't for them, I would not have gotten through all of my bullshit, and I'm so grateful for them and love them with all my heart. but, they have their own lives. my Jeffy is still at Bishop finishing his last weeks of high school, preparing himself for the real world, and that's what I want him to focus on. Joe is at USC, busy with his job and photography, not to mention he doesn't come home too often. Jo Santiago is totally occupied with Zeta Phi Rho; I can't even remember the last time we really hung out. and then there's Martin. I love him dearly, but there are times when I need to get away from him, and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. those are my main four, and I know I can't always go to them. I mean, no doubt that they will always be there for me, but it be nice to have another close guy friend who I can go to. I guess that's why I put up with Roy for so long, aside from the fact that I liked him. it was because he was that guy, the other guy friend. and now he's no longer a part of my life; he's just another acquaintance. oh other guy friend, where art thou?
well, that's all I'll update for now. it's 6:17 am, Saturday morning. I have some shopping to do before I move into Long Beach tomorrow and I've got another birthday celebration to attend.
good day to you all.
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I did it.
it's over I believe.
I left him a voicemail, told him he was right and that our friendship had to end; it's for the best.
don't
know if he listened to it or not. he might have just deleted it without
listening to it, but whatever; that's just the way it's gonna be.
I
deleted him from my MySpace, the ex gf too; I can't get hurt if I don't
know what's going on. unfortunately, I can still see his profile; hers
is private. I don't wanna see it. he needs to block me or something; I don't wanna be a part of their drama anymore.
it hurts...
he
was a big part of my life, one of my closest friends. but me being his
friend created friction between him and his ex gf, leading to drama,
backstabbing, and pain.
of course this wasn't all my fault; it
was all three of us. we each contributed a portion of our stupidity
into this big mess. well, I've made things easier.
it wasn't my
place to try to fix things. it's their life, and if they wanna continue
with their weird relationship, then that's their choice. I still think
that it's stupid. I still have a lot of things I wanna say to them, but
that doesn't matter anymore.
I tried my hardest to make things
work, to just be friends with them, but they ultimately wouldn't let
me. they either just didn't care or were too stubborn to care. the
funny thing about all of this is that I'm the one suffering the most
loss after I've put so much time and effort throughout this whole
ordeal. they still have each other, they always will. but now I'm left
without a friend and a whole lot of pain.
like I said,
it hurts... | | |
| this is Lariza's blog about me:
knuckles bleed.
Current mood: aggravated
fuck the bitch.
you better start fuckin liking someone else, i swear!
...i can't stand having to sock a wall during this cold season...my knuckles bleed.
honestly, some ppl just dont know when to stop.
Ugh, its like....when girls want someone and theyre somewhat taken,
they find some way to take that person away from you and just get under
your skin.
well girl, keep digging...you ain't getting what i know i earned.
yes, he still loves me!! what now?!
once, twice or three times in my life has this happened to me.
well it ain't going to happen again.
yea, maybe our love isn't going to be the same as before, but it doesn't mean we have to give up. no, we still try.
of course we love eachother..NO DOUBT..3 years have gone by and we're
still talking and hanging out..its so0 obvious that there's still
something there.
Anyways, yea, having to barely come home from my friends house, feeling
angry for no particular reason, wanting to bash someone's head into a
wall....HEH, not go0d at all. i hate having to go to bed all worked up
and pissed..but i'm going to have to deal with.
...just know.....
Roy, i love you.
you'll understand me so0n enough................
-------------------------------------
this is the comment Lariza left Roy:
beb...
hope you feel better so0n
you left me all worried yesterday
the whole day i couldnt stop beating myself up for you getting sick at my house
even my mom yelled at me for not taking care of you.
well i tried ok??
i didnt mean to fuck up.
i love you...no one else will ever love you more..fuck that!
and i'll beat her ass to it.
nya!
-lariza
------------------------
Roy talked to her, and this was her "apology" to me in response to a bulletin I wrote, saying "this isn't how I wanted things to be, I just wanted peace, etc":
you know what? dont be soo hard on this, criselda.
just know, roy takes your side completely 100%, and me, well
unfortunately 0%. How do i know? because he called me..talking to me,
defending you. you should feel lucky, criselda, because your blog said
no one's standing up for you...well you're wrong, bcz roy is.
so there's another brownie point for you...lol
anyways, i seriously didnt direct anything to anyone...i dont specifically say names only because its like why??
i'm mad for my own reasons, which is stupid and immature of me...i KNOW.
...and i'm doing this, not only because Roy called me and told me to talk to you and apologize, but because its only fair.
i did NOT mean to talk shit...and i most certainly know that you
think i backstabbed you for sure, but just understand, those werent my
intentions.
i know that you dont love him the way i do, you can't love him the way i do. but loving him AS a friend is as far as it gets.
see, i misunderstand things almost all the time. makes me wonder if i'm losing my intelligence and/or my senses.
but from me to you, i just want to be a bigger person than what i
was the day i wrote those stupid things and approach you with my honest
apology...and if you'd rather hear it from me then let me know and i
will call you, ok? but i will start here and tell you, I am Sorry.
one of the other reasons that otherwise explains my actions that
night was because i went out with some friends of mine and one of them
happens to be in the same situation i'm in right now, which surprised
me. And just answering their questions about "how/why am i tolerating
this for so long" and "why do i still feel like im entitled to trying
to make things work" made me so mad that i couldnt stand being silent
anymore. i thought of roy the whole night...i didn't even have fun what
so ever..which sucks!
i'm not a jealous type...honestly.
but yea, i'm totally babbling away. let this go mmk? if you want, you can delete me, block me...whatever you feel like doing.
i dont really expect you to be friends w/ me again or even respond
to this because i know, all of this was my fault, my doings, my
stupidity.
....so0o again, i'm sorry for this....i'm sorry for being in your guys' way =(
but...
i'll accept and respect whatever you decide.
thanks for reading this.
have a go0d day...or atleast try =)
-lariza
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what a load of fucking bullshit.
you're not fooling anybody, Lariza.
stop trying to kid yourself and fucking move on.
I've ranted about this enough, and I promise, I am going to fix this bullshit.
this drama between them, and now me, has gone far enough. it's time they finally settle things and move on.
enough is enough.
| | |
| ok, that's it, no holding back, I'm letting out all my steam in this blog. fuck trying to be humble and mature, I'm PISSED.
hoooe my gosh, Roy pisses me off.
he's
too couped up in the past to move on with the future. he hangs out with
Lariza a lot and expects her to be ok with them just being friends.
um, HELLO?! she's still in love with you dickwad, you're not helping her get over you, you're not helping yourself.
he's
being selfish because he still wants to be her friend and act like
nothing's changed, but he doesn't wanna be with her, but he's leading
her on into thinking that they could possibly get back together.
duuude, you can't do that. you're playing with her feelings; you're tampering with yours.
it's his responsibility as her ex boyfriend
and friend to give it to her straight and set some boundaries. she
obviously isn't over him yet, even after more than a year since they're
break up, so he needs to cut back from hanging out with her so much.
and
the thing that pisses me off the most is that he doesn't see that what
he's doing is fucked up. he's being totally insensitive and being an ass.
of course it's not all his fault, it's Lariza too. as cool of a chick she is, my GOSH
is she clingy. she already knows that Roy doesn't wanna be with her,
but she's always telling him "I love you," "I miss you," blah blah blah
blah. dude, quit it! stop smothering him and trying to act like his friend, we ALL know you want more than that.
but
again, I don't blame her entirely, it's freakin Roy. he's leading her
on and not letting her move on. he keeps telling me that he was
traumatized by the relationship, which I understand and believe, but FUCK,
they're still fighting, and they're not even together anymore. it's
like, what's changed, you know?? it's like he wants the old
relationship with her, but not the committment to her. again, totally selfish!
uuggghhhh!!
it frustrates me that he doesn't realize what he's doing...
it hurts me that he doesn't realize what he's doing.
I've
thought about it, and if he really did like me, he would've at least
tried to fix things and analyze his relationship with Lariza...
but he hasn't...
and I don't think he will.
he's
too comfortable with how things are and he's enjoying the freedom. I
can't tell him how to live his life, but if he ever expects to find
love again, he has got to change his ways.
I've tried to
get over him, I really have, cuz I can't take more of this shit. but
it's been so long since someone has reciprocated my feelings toward
them, and I'm just trying to hold on to that, even though it's causing
me sooo much pain.
I don't think I'll be able to get
over him unless I find someone else. I don't wanna break away from him
totally, cuz he really is a good friend and I like hanging out with
him; he's just an ass when it comes to girls. but I guess I should take
my own advice: I can't have it both ways, I can't be selfish.
I'm just upset because I can't have him, not with the way he's handling things right now, and it suuucks. it's like, here I am willing and ready for committment, but he's enjoying himself too much and unaware of what he's doing.
I
blogged to him everything I'm saying in this blog and much more. I
couldn't tell it to his face cuz I don't have the heart, plus I don't
really see him too often. I'm just waiting for him to reply back to me.
ugh, here I go again waiting for this bitch.
I'd love to
just drop everything and totally cut him out of my life, but I can't.
he has unfortunately become a big part of my life, and I need closure
so I can attempt to move on...again.
oh and to top off this wonderful blog,
I'm not going to Vegas anymore.
not
enough from our two teams can make it, only 3 of us in total, and we
need 4. no one else from PAC is willing to come, so we're just not
going.
this sucks...
school sucks...
Roy sucks...
everything sucks...
bite me World, I've already started to deteriorate.
what else you gonna throw at me, huh?!?! | | |
| I told him everything, how I felt about where we stand, how I felt about Lariza and him, I pretty much told him everything.
he's probably like disgusted with me now cuz I complain to him too much. I don't blame him, I can be so clingy sometimes, meh.
hoping everything works out for the best
that's all I can do now.
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